Ladies and gentlemen, I submit for your edification a few selections from the catalogue of The Confederate Reprint Company.
- The Genesis of Lincoln by James Harrison Cathey. This startling tome informs us that “the man known to the world as Abraham Lincoln was actually the offspring of an illicit relationship between Nancy Hanks and a married man named Abraham Enloe, in whose western North Carolina home she worked as a servant in the early years of the Nineteenth Century.” Given the well-documented links between an out-of-wedlock birth and a willingness to trample on the Constitution, this could very well change everything we think we know about the Union war effort.
- The Eugenics of President Abraham Lincoln by James Caswell Coggins. This enlightening volume explains how “the science of eugenics forever disproves the myth of the sixteenth President’s descent from the near imbecile Thomas Lincoln.” Eugenics, in case you didn’t know, is the science of improving mankind’s genetic stock by encouraging selective breeding and by weeding out the less-desirable. (Coincidentally, this book first appeared in 1941, when the German government stepped up their own endeavors in this fascinating field of study.)
- Why Was Lincoln Murdered? by Otto Eisenschiml. Eisenschiml “suggests that several top-level Government officials in Washington, particularly Secretary of War Edwin Stanton, may have played important roles in the crime and later covered up their involvement.” This explains all those mysterious meetings between Stanton, the CIA, Cuban expatriates, and the Dallas mob.
- The Invisible Empire: The Story of the Ku Klux Klan by Stanley F. Horn. The rousing tale of how “the Klan quickly evolved into an institution of ‘Chivalry, Humanity, Mercy, and Patriotism’ and spread throughout the Southern States to counter the aggression against their people by unscrupulous Carpetbaggers and their vicious Union League cohorts.”
And finally, my personal favorite.
- A Scriptural, Ecclesiastical, and Historical View of Slavery by John Henry Hopkins. An 1864 classic which “proves conclusively that Abolitionism is at odds with, not only the entire history of mankind, but also two millennia of Christian theology.” What Would Jesus Do? Apparently nothing. He’d make somebody else do it.
Operators are standing by!